Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
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POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb