@Sir_Strange: "Oh my god, you've gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mother

@Token_Geezer: When I'm in a room full of toddlers, I can't help but scan it for potential serial killers

@iwearaonesie: coworker: Do you want a plate? me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

@BoucheDag2k: Guy getting on elevator in my office building.." Going Down?" Me: "No, but I've got time for a hug"

@jumpdashark: My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.