Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
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Peter Parker Peter Driver
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
ok hear me out: Luigiana
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”