ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
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How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants