*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
You Might Also Like
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.