*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
You Might Also Like
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.