Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
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Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Never forget.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens