@Tommytoughstuff: Is that a banana in your pocket or... oh wait that is a banana. Sir I'm with super market security. Please come with me.
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@katiefzack: Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, "If I'm alive by then," and hang up.
@ShotOfBull: I found a message in a bottle. It said: "The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago."