Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
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My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.