[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
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Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
me when i see my girls butt
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds