Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
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My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?