Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
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If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop