Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
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Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.