@krisv_723: Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
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@olerunkbitch: I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
@GuyThe_Guy: "Is there a Mr. Fields?" I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she's all mine.
@iamburtjarvis: HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK: STEP 1: buy a recliner STEP 2: buy some beer STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods