Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
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Oh the world we live in…
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend