Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
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I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
seems like a niche market
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type