“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
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It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
synchronized noseblowing
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I have many caverns
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage