“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
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my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
These are my emotional support Pringles.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Legend 🤣🤣
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.