Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
You Might Also Like
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Breaking news:
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!