is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
You Might Also Like
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies