“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
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I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.