I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
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Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.