“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣