“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
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My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Ghost costume 😂
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.