I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
You Might Also Like
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Tuesday
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER