Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
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Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
me when the borders lift
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.