Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
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Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.