GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
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mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Plant care tips
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car