You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
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mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Inside you there are two wolves
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”