If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
You Might Also Like
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Just ordered me some pizza!
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Modded the new Gran Turismo