-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
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when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Ok but actually
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.