Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
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Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.