“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
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Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Don’t make me out nice you.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red