“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
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[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time