Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
You Might Also Like
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire