@SmartassChef: Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let's take a shower together and find out.
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@QwertyJones3: [First date] HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
@SarahAMoulton: I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. "Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don't eat the sand."
@blade_funner: STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb? PERSON WHO DOESN'T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don't you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: No. No, I don't.