Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
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[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room