At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
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Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?