*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
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I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
new year update: losing everything but weight
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO