Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
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Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot