“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
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It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?