my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
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*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.