“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
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Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
men, we mow at sunrise.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*