DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
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I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
The pen is writier than the sword.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.