Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
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Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Hey I worked for it too!
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.