Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
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Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
When I snag the last meatball.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off