“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
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the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I’m too immature for adultery.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.