“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
You Might Also Like
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class