Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
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Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Ape together strong
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*