Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
You Might Also Like
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.