Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
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It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Don’t tell me what to do
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb