Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
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I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
This kid is going places
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.